Jew Hefner

Michael Jackson

2009-05-05T11:01:00.002-04:00

If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends,
Make it last forever friendship never ends,
If you wanna be my lover, you have got to give,
Taking is too easy, but that's the way it is.

This is how my parents met.

2009-02-10T19:41:00.004-05:00

EXCEPT...

the bottle of water should be a bottle of grain alcohol.
and the koala should be my mommy.

Purple Brain

2009-02-10T19:27:00.003-05:00

"He loved to win, and always would. During the mid-1980's, during a visit with his arch rival Michael Jackson, Prince challenged him to a game of Ping-Pong. To intimidate the self-proclaimed King of Pop, Prince furiously smashed the ball across the table right at him."

I'm reading this bad-ass Prince biography during my study breaks. I just imagine Prince, really mad probably wearing a t-shirt saying "Bubbles sux", his eyes watering, running mascara, waiting to hit that ball.

Michael Jackson stands nonchalantly at the other end of the table, doe-eyed, semi-hard, waiting for Prince to make the first move......

yo, I also learned that Prince boned like 20 hunnies by the time he was 15, and his first band was named "Champagne". How fucking hot is that. It's all bubbly and shit.

T-Time till my graduate degree: 10 dayz, bitches.

I'd hit it.

2009-01-24T16:36:00.005-05:00

Britney? Are you a fucking genius?

What a rhetorical question.

Love me, hate me
Say what you want about me
But all of the boys and all of the girls are begging to If U Seek Amy
Love me, hate me
But can’t you see what I see?
All of the boys and all of the girls are begging to If U Seek Amy

"If you seek Amy" sounds like F.U.C.K me AND If you sucking me

GENIUS. PURE GENIUS.

Marry me slowly.

Inaugurational Baller.

2009-01-20T19:31:00.004-05:00

The past 24+ hours have been out of control.

Last night I went to the Florida ball. I picked out the sluttiest dress I could knowing I would be rubbing elbows with Florida's elite. My mom and dad gave a simultaneuous look of dissaproval as I walked down the stairs of my DC house, She's-All-That-style.

The ball was pretty cool. My parents shelled out to get me a ticket. Everyone else there was over 40. I danced with an old man in a bowtie, met some senator, saw a really dope Richard Avedon exhibit, took shots with my dad. Pretty cool night.

This morning- alarm goes off at 3:30am- I had to be on the mall at 5 in the motherfrackin' morning. My dad dropped me off at the metro at around 4, still drunk, wearing my stupid inaugural volunteer hat, getting asked questions I didn't know the answers to... I finally get to my meeting spot at around 5. It's fucking freezing, and dark out. Already there are hundreds of thousands of people streaming into the mall to get as close to the capitol as poss.

I have never seen more people. I remember Clinton's inauguration and it was sparse as hell compared to this shit. So cool. I def got some frostbite yo.

The picture is a shit-resolution picture I took on my blackberry of the metro congestion.

I love Obami.

Idiot of The Decade

2009-01-12T14:29:00.002-05:00

Well to start off my Monday I get a noonish call from Andra asking me to "be her mommy" and help her get her day started.

If this was the first time Ms. Tomsa had asked me to "be her mommy", perhaps I would be a little more sympathetic.

Unfortunately, this is not the case.

Andra asks me to mother her about once a week; whether it's because she is too hungover to properly bathe herself, wearing a monumentally inappropriate outfit, or because she is lost (usually it is a combination of the 3).

We now have a tradition- a sad, sad tradition: every time we are out after about an hour of boozing, Andra looks at me pathetically and hands me her cellphone. This is because Andra can't keep it together to keep track of it herself, so I am now used to carrying it throughout the night. Anyslutway, I have been out of town for the month, and the first night I am gone, she loses it (her mind and cellphone).

GRAD SCHOOL ANDRA.

Fuck med school.....

2009-01-09T12:44:00.005-05:00

Rock of Love Bus is the best show. The hoes on it are legendary. It's like they made caricatures of past guests and brought them to life- Frankenstein style. Some girl rapped on a STD brochure while another took a shot (a creamy shot, no less) out of her snatch.

now that's a real shot of love. Bret Michaels, you made a big mistake eliminating this broad.

If there is a fourth season, I'm there.

Baddest baddest dude.

2008-12-23T00:31:00.001-05:00

There is NO ONE cooler than Raphael Saadiq. His swagger is legendary.

xxxmas

2008-12-22T19:21:00.004-05:00

Christmas in Haiku Form

Wow, chinese takeout
While you eat that dope pot roast
Latkahs get soggy.

Sorry about Christ
At least now you get presents
Fuck my menorah.

I'm drunk on whiskey
You are bored with family
Dreidels are the shit.

Post script: This pussy is a result of my google imaging: "angry jew on christmas"

Holigays

2008-12-19T16:29:00.003-05:00

This guy is who I am spending Christmas with.

I got my 7th tatt on tuesday. It's big, black, and patriotic

Speaking of...

I also found out I am going to the Florida inaugural ball. I am going to try to hook up with Obama. I think he will totally go for it- I mean, can he be impeached before he is elected?? Naw. Can he resist this temptress?? Def naw!!

Going to happen.

Anybeej, this snow is really putting a damper on my popularity. In order to utilize my time I have been indulging in a double shot at love.

Favorite Person in the World

2008-12-15T16:50:00.004-05:00

She is the reason I watch The Real Housewives of Orange County. She is a goddess among the human race, a Sea Biscuit among the ponies, a Michael Jensen among the gays

When I have nightmares, the starring antagonist often possesses the eyes of Vicki Gunvalson. She has the eyes of the dark lord.

Im this video Vicki is talking about some fucking watch- Vicki, we all know satan doesn't need a watch! I watched(hah) it a few times, and I found it had the greatest terrifying effect when played with my hand covering up every part of her face except her crazy eyes.

Try that shit out, you won't be disappointed.

R.I.Pizzle

2008-12-12T15:43:00.002-05:00

Fuck yo

My favorite amnesiac kicked the bucket a couple o' weeks ago.
H.M. was one of the most renowned case-studied-brothas in the history of memory research.

The research having to do with H.M. is what developed the field of cognitive neuroscience AKA my bread and butta(he's also the guy the main character in memento is based on).

Anyfuckingbrain, H.M.'s case was the shit because it was the first time researchers realized there were different types of memory (declarative, working, long-term, motor etc.) he could remember the past but could not form new memories. H.M. would sit at the piano, not know he could play, and surprise himself by ripping out some Beethoven beats, but the doctors he worked with for decades had to reintroduce themselves every time that they saw him.

The reason I think I held this guy so near and dear is that I can totally relate to him. Through lots of research I have learned that I can experience a similar type of memory loss without the actual extraction of my hippocampus. I call it the W.H.I.S.K.E.Y. method or

White
Hoe
Is
Slops &
Kan't remember
Events or
Your face

Trial and error.

That fucking bitch.

2008-12-11T17:41:00.003-05:00

"Merry Christmas"....

Really Britney? My cheap Jew ass bought your godamn deluxe CD version, and you can't even take the time to include those five syllables in your holiday greeting that I yearn to hear?

No, not "I love Paloma" or "Give me a BJ", but

"Happy Hannukah"

She can be so insensitive sometimes.

PS that kid with the red cape already has the gay hand.

Blasphemy.

2008-12-11T15:20:00.002-05:00

My main man, ma boo, my personal jesus

STEVIE fuckin WONDER

said:

"It’s not impossible but right now it’s just a thought… I think it would be fun"

What could he possibly be talking about? Perhaps a world tour, a release of a new album, a baby on the way!

It pains my brain to allow my fingers to type this....

Stevie Wonder is considering doing Dancing With the Stars.

Why??? Why would a musical god follow in the footsteps of Kim Kardashian, Adam Corolla, and Jerry Springer

I wish he had told me he was going to consider this gay shit BEFORE I got that tattoo on my shoulder.

Good luck dancing, Blindy.

Underwear Scare.

2008-12-10T21:03:00.003-05:00

So I had to be at work today at 9am

4am. I am awoken with an abrupt start. My buzzer is ringing. Monster, terrified, jumps out of my bed and begins his annoying barking spree. In a nyquiled daze, I stumble into the other room to see that my fucking toilet has overflowed.

I begin dealing with the problem, using any dry thing I can get my hands on. I am in my underwear, sweatshirt, and a pair of socks slipping and sliding trying to get it all soaked up.... KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK.

Who the fuck is knocking at my door at 4:30 in the AM??!?!?

It better not be Andra I thought angrily. And with that, I opened the door.
Two fucking pigs stood before me.

"Your toilet is overflowing." The one in the front said.

"I know." I replied. My hand with the paper towels desperately attempting to shield my lower bare half.

"Well what are you going to do about it?" he asked slyly, not making eyecontact

The fuckers proceeded to ask me lots of rude questions such as- "are you here alone", "why didn't the landlord come", "what was I doing up" ETC

CAUSE IT'S FOUR IN THE FUCKING MORNING AND YOU FUCKERS WERE BANGING ON MY DOOR.

I bit my tongue.

Apparently my senile neighbor called the cops on me.
The same one that called the cops when Matt and Lu banged on her door long ago.

KARMA

Fucking officer dude.

Britney sang me back to sleep.... like she always does.

Sisterly Love

2008-12-09T16:38:00.001-05:00

I'm like a firecracker- I make it hot.

2008-12-09T16:12:00.004-05:00

Britney Spears=Poetic Genius
I can't stop posting about her.
OMGOMGOMG

How the fuck does she do it?
K-Fed/ Fed-Ex must be so pissed that he let the Shakespeare of our time slip through his fingers.

There's only two types of guys out there
Ones that can hang with me, and ones that are scared
So baby, I hope that you, came prepared
I run a tight ship, so beware

My ears are being blessed!!!!!!
My tympanic membrane feels alive for the first time!!!!!!
Is this what Christmas feels like?

I'm like a ringleader- I call the shots.

2008-12-09T11:34:00.000-05:00

The new britney is epic.

Leather and Lace man. Best track. I gots to post some lyrics to show the genius.
Heels 6-inch Makes a boy want to bite his lip Look but don't touch Unless you want to lose your innocence

If that shit aint deep, I'm a virgin.

Andra

2008-12-09T11:01:00.000-05:00

I be chillen with dis hoe in ma bed. She is stinking it up.

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